The Long Goodbye: Can Small Groups Break Up Well?
What should church leaders do when a group's on the decline, but no one is willing to pull the plug?
For several reasons I'll explain in a moment, Tim's group of eight years--one so close that members actually stood bedside with him a few years ago as his wife passed away from a difficult illness--decelerated during the past six months, basically to the point of becoming defunct.
But no one was willing to officially call it quits.
"I honestly don't know what to do," Tim said. His eyes screamed with frustration and disappointment. How could he pull the plug on a group that meant so much to him and its members?
The demise stemmed from a few factors. One couple valued the group's closeness to the point of insisting no new members get added. Another couple didn't want to study the Bible or read a book as a group--only social activities were acceptable. And another couple felt spurned when other members didn't provide the support they needed during the deaths of two parents and the developing health issues of the other two.
In time, the twice-monthly gatherings didn't attract full attendance, or they got postponed due to scheduling conflicts. By midway through last year, postponements grew in frequency.
Which led to Tim's question: How do I end it?
Our committee offered some thoughtful advice: One member suggested a social gathering of the group, one in which Tim and his wife (he has since remarried) could acknowledge the group's decline, and offer a regularly scheduled social gathering to bring these people together for fellowship while bringing the "official" label of the group to a close.
Meanwhile, Tim and his wife could start a new group, one built with a new set of people eager to plug in. It was an attractive solution, since it allowed the existing group to follow its natural course, but also allowed an able and available leader in Tim the chance to fill a glaring need at the church--few, if any, experienced leaders available for a growing list of people who want a small group.
Tim liked the idea. He set the meeting, a Sunday night dinner at his house. We offered prayer, and some resources to help him with what likely would be an uncomfortable topic.
But afterward, Tim contacted the committee's chair and said he just couldn't bring himself to break up the group as they gathered together and ate.
Who could blame him? The recent challenges aside, he loves his group members. It's the kind of devotion we wish all group leaders felt for their members.
In my mind, this situation also raises myriad questions: When should a group break up? How does a leader do it well when some--perhaps all--of the members don't want to break up, even though the group's decline can't be ignored? And when does the church's leadership step in to make sure a group with increasingly unhealthy dynamics doesn't sap away the energy and attention needed for potential new groups?
What do you think?
He is passionate about equipping and energizing church leaders with the principles and tools that help them more effectively serve the kingdom of God.
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Comments
Our "Urban Tribe" broke up in January '08 after being together for nearly 5 years. For about 6 months most of us were going through the motions at one time or another, wondering and praying if we should morph into a new group or just take a break. None of us wanted to verbalize the fact that our season together was over. There was a defining moment when I (original leader) and the current leader had dinner together and placed the "elephant" in the middle of the table. We were both so relieved to realize that what had begun well 5 years earlier needed to end well with great celebration and gratefulness for the incredible journey we'd been on. We agreed that it was like an epic television series that had reached its peak, drawn in loyal viewers, covered so many topics, life-change, challenges, weddings, funerals, heartbreak, and deep friendship, situations and memories that couldn't be taken away from us by merely ending the group. We decided to have our "grand finale" meeting and also decided that we wouldn't start a new group right away. With the exception of one person, everyone else in the group totally agreed that the group had run its course and served its purpose. We are still dealing with the hurt feelings from that one individual. This person absolutely hates change of any kind. We are trusting that God will use this situation for His purposes in their life. We can't be responsible for their feelings and reactions. We can only extend grace and continued friendship and wait for healing to take place within them. The Urban Tribe was one of the most incredible experiences of community I've ever witnessed or experienced. The gift of doing life deeply together is something that we cherish and hope to have again sometime with another group of people that come together. I think we will be surprised at who it is that God draws together for us to do life with the next time!
Posted by: Marina | March 5, 2008 8:55 AM
What an important topic! Thank you for raising the issue.
I feel that it's essential that we, as small group leaders, take the time to step back and talk about our groups with someone or some people that we trust who are outside of the group. After some time within a close-knit group it may become difficult to retain perspective and a clear vision for growth.
Posted by: Louise | March 10, 2008 6:48 AM
A colleague of mine has addressed this issue for his group life by creating a group covenant prior to the start of the group. The members agree to meet together for a specified time on whatever cycle they mutually agree upon, they agree to confidentiality, and a break is built into the life cycle of the group from the start. Once the break is over, the group members can renew the covenant for another cycle, or opt out if a different event seems more appropriate to them at that time. New members cycle in at the breaks when there is space in the group. This approach creates the climate of trust and relationship that groups thrive upon while providing transition points that prevent stagnation. It allows for depth, and release.
Posted by: Frank | March 12, 2008 2:04 PM
My personal involvements with both pastoring a Homegroup and being a member of a Homegroup were both positive.
As the Pastor of a Homegroup for a year (I'm in the Army and was stationed in Heidelberg, Germany), when we left in Aug 2001, we simply trained a new pastor, prayed over them (husband/wife team) and sent them forth.
We came to Ft. Polk, Louisiana and were involved in a home group there as members. It start to fizzle after two years, but we kept it going. Mainly schedule problems were the issue.
As God would have it, I was again reassigned to Heidelberg, Germany in June 2004...where we we reunited with our church home there...and they wanted to start homegroups back up. We started it in Aug 04 and ran it throu June 07 when we left. This time, the dynamics of the church ended the homegroups. We had a "Picnic in the park" as the finale and we all had a great time, prayed over each other and that was it.
Bottom line up front: Pray and let the Holy WSpirit guide your decisions. If you follow God's will, you cannot go wrong.
In Christ,
Steve
Posted by: Steve Davis | March 12, 2008 5:08 PM
I suggest starting the new group to meet on a different evening and tell the folk, from the original group, that they are welcome to join if their schedules permit. The original group was not able to meet frequently anyway, so it should not be a major imposition on Tim & wife's schedule.
Posted by: Emm | March 12, 2008 5:36 PM
Frank--The covenant idea is one that I suggested to our team. I think it's an approach we will try when we launch groups again in the fall. I know one concern is the "corporate" feel that develops any time a contract is introduced to a group. Obviously, one way around that is to focus on the concept of covenant, as we understand it biblically. But I'd love to hear any additional thoughts about ways to build some formal accountability to the group's structure without robbing the group of one of the pleasantries often experienced at its inception--a relaxed, informal setting.
Matt
Posted by: Matt | March 12, 2008 7:45 PM
Many times, leaders of small groups or support groups feel like they've failed or let the group down when attendance or membership declines.
What they don't realize is, the group members may have gotten everything they need from the group and feel that its simply time to move on. It's not necessarily a sign that the group facilitator has failed, the members just need to spend their time on something else.
Years ago, when my wife was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, her neurologist suggested getting involved with a support group. We tried a few, but weren't drawn to going back after the initial visit.
Some members of our Sunday School class said we should start our own group! And since I was in radio broadcasting, the public speaking part of the idea was not a problem. We called the group "Helping Hands, Caring Hearts." We started with a few couples and ended up with about 36 members at one point. People came and went, based on their need for a support group, and we kept the program going for about two years.
We reached a point where we felt we had accomplished our mission and we discontinued the meetings. No one was sad or upset.....we all felt we'd met our goals.
Posted by: Gary Lundy | March 19, 2008 1:53 PM